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"Horrors of Spider Island" is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I've ever seen. MST3k parodied plenty of really, really rotten flicks, movies you couldn't watch without their riffs, but on occasion they would choose a movie like "Horrors of Spider Island" which are amazingly easy targets. I don't know if I like these episodes less for how easy the jokes come, but I do know that watching "Horrors of Spider Island" without Mike and the Bots is just as funny if not funnier than it is with their commentary.

A movie called "Horrors of Spider Island" should be expected to provide plenty of cheesy spider action, but really the title is severely misguiding. This movie is more focused on providing non-nude 50's era soft porn than anything involving spiders. I've heard people compare this to Russ Meyer films, but really it's more deserving of comparison to awful sexploitation than Meyer's generally well-made and tongue-in-cheek offering.

This movie is fun. Yes, it's completely inept, ridiculous, and retarded but it also so creatively and so frequently finds bizarre reasons for these German 'babes' to strip, scream, run, dance, and lose bits and pieces of their clothing. It's sort of brilliant really.

Some would argue that no film that entertains you can be truly bad. I offer "Horrors of Spider Island" as an argument to the contrary; this is an abysmal movie on every level imaginable with the sound effects taking the prize for most hysterically ludicrous.

Watch it on MST3k, the riffs are fun. Watch it without and you'll have a new favorite.

2/10 (8/10 MST3k, 10/10 entertainment value without MST3k)


MST3K / #1011: HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND
I'm Bob Boxbody.
We're looking for someone who will... sleep with us.
This is called "You'll Never Have Sex With Me."
Babs played fullback for the Lions.
It's a dancer and her seeing eye dancer.

Gary: You're a stripper.
Mike: And refinisher, yes.

Pat Nixon gets down at the White House.
I think her timing belt is too tight.
Brought to you by the National Garter Council.
It's the drunk aunt at the wedding dance!
Hundreds of dancers are loaded into a C-31 transport and dropped onto Singapore.
Singapore's right across the Hudson River.
From Los Angeles they take off from New York to go to Singapore.
Wow, I almost thought we were in trouble there, flaming out and crashing high speed into the ocean and all.
We've been in the water for an hour; will you stop chewing on my foot?
That darkens my features.
How big could the ocean be, anyway?
If only they could find a de-salinization plant!
They're already planning a Playboy "Girls of the Plane Crash" issue.

Gary: Paddle with your hands!
Crow: Or your panties, or your breasts, or whatever!

Woman: I can't go on anymore.
Another Woman: Come, I'll help you.
Servo: No, you go the five feet to the shore without me.

An Exxon girl tanker ran aground.
They should just start putting handles on women for easy carrying.
So they sat around floating for awhile, and now they're exhausted.
The woman is a cold-blooded creature, and must lie on rocks to warm up.
I'm going to fashion you all into a crude hut.
There, there. Take comfort in my beefiness.
I've enslaved the natives!
The best way to get it is to lick it off my chest!
Ow. My tender man-skin.
Don't let my raw sexuality overwhelm you.
"Feels like a sneaker" my ass.

Woman: Gary! Look what I just found!
Servo: A stick!

Be sure to murmur and coo some more, too.
Murmur, murmur! Slightly more intense murmur! Murmur! Murmur!
Can I be in your cluster?
She was appointed Acting Gary in his absence.
I can't wait till the spiders eat you.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to pull my pants up to my chest.
You know, guys who play the muted trumpet love these movies.
This condescending pat will hold you till I get back.
Um, you're in my writhing space...
Pull your slacks up higher.
I'd love to braid your back hair.
Your infidelity mildly irritates me.

Gary: Damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Servo: Yes, I've been unfaithful, but it's 87 degrees!

You see, if it was in the low 70s, I would never have jammed my tongue down her throat!
Gary, thy Lord commandeth! Tug your pants down a titch and put on a shirt.
Red Lobster snow crabs finally fight back!
I hope my coating of oil will protect me.
I know you're out here; I can smell your Bryll Creme!
Okay, you're alone, you can ease up off the sex now.
Feast your eyes on my good stuff, nature!
Well, hello shrubbery.
I wasn't even being sexy till the dirty sax music started.
Do I turn you on, too, brook?
You know, Susan, before she died she told me you looked fat.
I usually have to go to a website to see this kind of thing, Mike. Naked Wrestling Giantesses dot com.
Drink it and hear girls giggle.
I'll impress the ladies by impersonating a sloth.
This poor guy thinks they're manatees.
Wow. A whole island full of Gingers.
Meanwhile, Singapore suffers through a severe dancer shortage.
I'm lying on a dead Man O' War!
I'll have Babs mess you up!
He attacked me and now we're engaged.
Not so fast, Gladys; I have to sample the others.

Gladys: Who is Jimmy?
Other Woman: My friend. We're going to be married.
Crow: Even though he's invisible.

Wow, these Amish barn-raisings get wilder all the time.
Mike? Can you inject me into this movie?
I wish this was on every channel, like the State of the Union address.
Hi. Been lookin' for a bloated man with a scarf?
I tried to tackle my fidgety sister but I fell.
Hmm. Women or booze? Women or booze? Hey, women and booze!
I rub yeast into my hair every morning.
Damn spider-boyfriend-head.
Okay, let's check on your totally monogamous boyfrien-- hey!
So, Mike, if you're a woman and you're in a plane crash, you instantly become languid, helpless, and sex-starved, and you murmur a lot?
At this point, I would suggest that the name "Spider Island" is misleading.
Okay, this is neither bikinis, women, nor spiders. This is pointless.
He saw an air molecule that respects women.
Boy, these woman-hater cigarettes are good!
I'm so lucky that Bobby went through a complete personal transformation in the past 45 seconds.
You'd better hurry, he's probably French-kissing a conch!
I'm not just wondering if there's a point to this movie now, I'm wondering if there's a point to anything.
I should move on to hating older women.
And another protagonist disappears over the horizon.
Finally, the hundreds of STDs take their toll.
Oh, I see, you'd rather die than marry me.
How does this movie really feel about women, I wonder?
Another character flees the film.
I thought spiders were supposed to go scurrying under the bathtub when they saw us.
I'm gonna pick you up and throw you into my web, which I made with machine tools in my garage.
I had a garden spider do this to me once. I hid in the bathroom and called the police.
So, go alone and panic, is that what you said?

Mike: This is good chase music.
Crow: Suddenly I want to do the Charleston.

Please, please, let me live and I'll eat aphids off your rosebushes, I promise!
Maybe I've always just misunderstood what spiders are. They're large hairy bipeds with pants.
This whole movie just up and ran away from us.
They need a big shirtless bird to come in and scoop up the spider.
They will not come if I build it; shut up!
I'm sterile; don't touch me!

Joe: No! The quicksand starts here.
Crow: Oh, right, the quicksand, remember?

Mike: Ah, I skitter lightly across the top of the mud.
Servo: Distributing my weight evenly over my eight legs, making my weight delicately... uck.
Crow: Can't I just leave with dignity?
Mike: Okay, so I'm no water spider.

I hid egg sacks in your luggage!
Now they're going to stop at Praying Mantis Island for supplies.
I want to sleep on a bed of breasts.
So, you want to end your movie that way, huh? Okay, get bent.
Look! I found a bunch of balloons in the men's room vending machines!